In Theaters: The Girlfriend Experience

In just 3 short years, Sasha Grey has amassed over 160 titles to her credit on IMDB. And now, she has one more:  The Girlfriend Experience:

THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE is five days in the life of Chelsea, an ultra high-end Manhattan call girl who offers more than sex to her clients, but companionship and conversation – “the girlfriend experience.” Chelsea thinks she has her life totally under control…blah blah blah, why are you reading this?

It’s obvious that with blockbusters such as Best of Blackzilla, Assault That Ass 9, and Sasha Grey’s Anatomy under her belt, someone felt it was about time Sasha Grey ventured into acting in a feature film.

I have no idea what kind of drugs that person was smoking, but I’ll take some.

Seriously, Steven Soderbergh must be fucking her. I also have no idea why Magnolia Pictures would even consider distributing such an obvious piece of shit. I mean, really, go watch (or re-watch) the trailer, and tell me what’s missing. It’s cool; I’ll wait. Done? Yes, that’s right. What’s missing from the trailer is dialogue. The acting in this colossal fuckup is so terrible they couldn’t even show it in the trailer.

Why would anyone cast Sasha Grey in the first place?  Because she’s an attractive woman.  Do yourself a favor:  pick up Naughty Book Worms 7 or Face Invaders 4 instead, and save yourself the plotless, softcore tease that this movie is bound to be.

Things That Are Manly: Batting Cages

I suppose you might say that it’s the baseball equivalent to the heavy bag–if you’re not a serious ballplayer or athlete, the batting cage is pretty much nothing more than a way to get out your frustrations.  To say, though, that it’s better than slapping someone around is to oversimplify the matter.

We all know that there’s an art to hitting, and that one needs to think about what they’re doing while they’re at the plate, and blah blah blah.  When you’re pissed off, there’s nothing better than the slow-pitch softball cage.  Take five, maybe ten bucks, grab a bat, and really stew in that browbeating your prick boss gave you.  Relive that fight you had with the wife or girlfriend.  Keep listening to the screaming baby in your head.  It’s like kicking a very small dog while having a baseball bat for a leg.  Satisfying.  And nobody has to die, to boot.  Win-win.

Seriously, if pounding the shit out of a ball for a half-hour or so doesn’t do the trick, it might be time to start thinking about talking to a psych or an anger management counselor or something like that.  And for God’s sake, don’t try to build your own batting cage.

OMG Let Me Invite You To STFU

Okay.  If you use “Netspeak” acronyms online or in text form that’s one thing, but if you spell out the acronyms in verbal conversation, kill yourself.

Example: “When Tricia told me New Kids on the Block were coming to town. I was totally like Oh Em Jee!” Yep.  It has the same amount of syllables as saying the fucking phrase.  I actually heard this come out of a 30 year old woman. I’m serious. Yes, apparently those ass-clowns are still alive.

Even when a teenager says it I want to bitch slap them, much less a 30 year old woman. Dear out-of-touch-with-adulthood-woman: do everyone around you including yourself a favor.  The next time you feel like talking, don’t, and lose the shirt instead.

Marilyn Manson Has His Own Absinthe

We get it, you're edgy.

Apparently Marilyn Manson is the newest to join the growing list of musicians getting into the beverage business with his new brand of Absinthe called “Mansinthe”. He joins Sammy Hagar (Cabo Wabo Tequila) and Puff Daddy (or whatever his name is today) (Ciroc Vodka) on their celebrity pursuit of the recession-proof “booze dollar.” It appears that “Mansinthe” is pretty damn good. It won a gold medal in the 2008 San Francisco Spirits Competition, and is only available in a few states. The secret is apparently in the distillation process: Instead of using water, the alcohol is distilled in the tears of ridiculed goth children. Side effects include: major drunketude, rib-loss, cross-dressing, and shooting your classmates.

Your Unfortunately Named Pedophile of the Day

Plenty of jokes here.  I’ll let you.  Have fun!

PIMU: Carson Palmer Is On the Trading Block