The word “emo” gets bandied about an awful lot without realizing that there’s actually a pretty awesome history behind it. And by “awesome,” I mean to say that the original “emo” bands were freaking great. Case in point: Rites of Spring. 1985. Guy and Brendan from Fugazi a couple years before Fugazi started. No self-cutting, no skinny jeans. Yeah, not seeing a problem with this.
Each week, The Cincinnati Man rounds up everything that was awesome over the previous week. If you’ve been living under a rock, you can look at past Dump Festivals right here.
Halloween is a magical time of year. It’s a time to frighten children until they cry, a time when “fun-sized” for some inexplicable reason means “smaller even than last year” and, most importantly, a time when the hot new temp working the reception desk decides to come to the office party dressed as what she calls a “slutty policewoman.” God knows why certain girls take the excuse to dress slutty and run with it, but they do and I, for one, encourage that. So just for you, you little minx, The Cincinnati Man presents the seven sexiest Halloween costumes and how to properly execute them (or at least how to not screw them up).
7. Bad Kitty!
Meow.
For some reason the kitty costume is the go-to for the girl who has exactly fourteen seconds to find a costume before the party, probably because it has enormous potential to be stupidly easy. And it certainly can be, especially when you remember one simple rule about the kitty costume: it is conceptual. You are not required to actually fool people at the party into thinking you are a cat. In fact, trying to do so is always a horrible mistake. It is not easy to make Heidi Klum look like something you would want to avoid at all costs, but the cat costume found a way.
The other important thing to remember when constructing your cat costume is this one is for last-minuters only. You do not want to be the person who puts a whole lot of effort into being one of the seventeen kitties meowing around the room, or worse yet, the only one who spent hard-earned money to look like this:
I was in that one movie you didn't see!
However, if your goal is to be just plain scary, then by all means… Otherwise remember our kitty costume slogan, KISS: Keep It Simple, Sexy. Some ears and a tail with a few drawn on whiskers should do you. Your costume’s sexiness level is up to you.
Well, OK. Just remember you're in public
6. The Schoolgirl
Screw you, detention! I gotta dance!
*Yawn* Well, I see you’ve brought your complete lack of imagination. That’s A-OK. Your sexy schoolgirl is still a crowd-pleaser. On this one, I’m going to go against my better judgment as a male party-goer and advise you of the rule, “less is not always more”. Understand that in choosing the schoolgirl costume, you’ve already fought half the battle and, trust me, you’re totally winning. The schoolgirl uniform is more than sexy on its own. This is a belief that has gotten me kicked out of more high school sporting events than this guy, but one I firmly stand by. Do not tape a plaid handkerchief over your ladyparts and assume the job is done, unless you are going for ridiculous and slutty, in which case I still, on some level, applaud you. Otherwise, put a little bit of effort into the authenticity and let the costume speak for itself. No one knows why it’s sexy. It just is. Show ‘em, Mischa.
Mischa Barton
5. Nurse
Hellooooo, Nurse!
Now, we’re getting a little more interesting. As in, you might have to go to the store as opposed to just your closet and makeup bag for this one. So while you’re shopping, keep in mind that “costume” can legally be used to describe a wide variety of things that really kind of aren’t. So, here to demonstrate the correct procedure for the sexy nurse costume is internet-sensation, Aria Giovanni.
She'll never last a 12-hour shift in those boots.
Please remember that Aria is a trained, professional sexy-person. You should always check with your host as to his or her rules regarding underwear.
4. French Maid
Uh...OK, these aren't the droids we're looking for.
Another classic, the major selling point for the French maid is that it takes guts. This translates to a good chance that, should you find the courage to don the French maid costume, you will be the only one who did. Additionally, this one’s pretty hard to screw up. In fact, there’s really only one absolute must for the French Maid costume: fishnets. If you’re not wearing fishnets, you just plain did it wrong.
This costume has made me a fisher of men.
3. Tinkerbell
I'm a children's character!
Oh, Tinkerbell, sexier than all of the Disney princesses combined and only two inches tall, what could make me love you any less? Oh. Well, that’ll certainly do it. Hey, here’s a good rule of thumb for your Tinkerbell costume, or any costume for that matter. If your costume has to have a picture of the thing you are supposed to be on it, then you have failed at your costume. Seriously, that’s just lazy. Now, who could we get to demonstrate a painstakingly well-crafted Tinkerbell costume? Who would triple-check that hairdo, slippers and wand were all up to exacting specifications? Oh, wait, I know: teenage cosplayers!
OK, who wasn't clapping?
God bless each and every last one of you. Seriously.
2. Slave Leia
Sie batha ne beechee?
Bikini-clad Princess Leia may be the single most daring costume on the entire list, and the reason is simple. Leaving the house dressed in such a costume is going to attract the same thing every time: this guy (or at least one very much like him). And the very first thing he’s going to do is point out the several glaring inaccuracies in your outfit. Head him off at the pass and get one from the pros. Don’t be like our friend, Melissa Joan Hart here.
Explain this one, Clarissa.
Melissa Joan – may I call you Melissa Joan? – what’s up with the sheer skirt? Jeez, have you even seen Return of the Jedi? No? Oh, well the last hour or so is crap. Anyway, show us how it’s done, Kristen Bell.
Kristen Bell
Thank you, Kristen. No, seriously, thank you.
1. Wonder Woman
Great Hera!
Always a popular choice and with good reason, Wonder Woman is the single greatest superheroine of all time. As such, there’s bound to be at least one of her no matter where you turn on All Hallow’s Eve. Don’t worry, you’ll always be able to tell them all apart because in the past fifty-eight years, partygoers have found a thousand and one ways to get the costume just plain wrong. But, with a little ingenuity and some fucking photo reference you could be the best and most authentic-looking Amazon Princess on the block.
Wonder Woman: star-spangled sentry of high school gyms everywhere.
And if you’re not, I’ll be there looking awkward and sweating through my Ghostbusters costume to tell you exactly what you did wrong.
Music, I know, is a deeply personal and highly subjective thing that many hold in such high regard that they tend to spit on those who do not like the right stuff (read that “Music Snobs need to lighten up”). But amidst the varied and complicated styles, genres, and sub-genres of popular music today, lovers of music can agree that great bands defy genre affiliation. Their talent and innovation surpass any grouping or obscure label fans can pin on them. With that introduction, let me share a couple bands you probably should be loving right now. To wit:
This is it. Grab the blanket, hide your eyes, and cower in the corner as we unveil the final installment of the 45 Greatest Scary Movies Of All Time. You can find 45-31 here and 30-16 here.
15:Pumpkinhead: The film that marked the directorial debut of special effects artist and legend, Stan Winston. A dark and ominous tone is set by Winston’s own unique style of film making. Too, the Pumpkinhead monster is hands down one of the coolest movie monsters ever. A strong underground following led the film to spawn a comic book, toys, and 4 sequels.
14: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Originally seeking a PG rating for his first horror masterpiece, Tobe Hooper might have wanted to leave a few more scenes out of this one. There’s lots of foreshadowing, with the creepy sound of flash bulbs and 10 second peeks at the horror awaiting throughout the rest of the film. Hooper loosely based the storyline on famed Wisconsin killer Ed Gein. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is considered to be one of the most influential horror pictures of all time.
13: The Omen: Released in 1976, and coined as a contemporary thriller instead of a straight up horror flick. Upon it’s release the film already faced negative publicity due to comparisons with two other famous “demon” pictures at the time: The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby. Dealing with the prophecies of Christianity, the films main character Damien turns out to be the son of Satan, and the reigning anti-christ. Damien manages to leave of path of dead nannies and priests in his wake. With a cliffhanger ending, the film proves that sometimes kids are really creepy–especially when the birthmark under their hair reveals the numbers 666.
12: The Changelling: The king of all “haunted house” flicks. Based on playwright Russell Hunter and the faithful few months he spent living in the Henry Treat Rogers mansion located in Denver, Colorado. Of course like many other tales of hauntings’ in modern day folk-lore it has been proven to be mostly bullshit however, as far as movies go it was creepy as all hell and I wouldn’t step foot into that house.
11: It: Released as a 2 part TV mini-series in 1990, and based on the Stephen King novel of the same name. It featured a scary-ass clown. For some reason one of the greatest fears for most Americans aside from snakes is a clown. *Shrug*. King preyed on this emotion while writing this tale of how childhood fears carry over into adulthood. Pennywise The Clown, played by Tim Curry, ended up being the freakiest clown ever due to his sharp teeth and claws, as well as the ability to infiltrate your thoughts and dreams. Let’s face it though. Wasn’t Tim Curry freaky enough wearing lingerie and lipstick? Of course he is going to scare the piss out of you dressed as a clown.
10: Eraserhead: The first film by renowned Twin Peaksdirector, David Lynch. Eraserhead proves to be the most baffling, and downright confusing horror flicks of all time. From a father’s scorn for his deformed son, to girls belly dancing in radiators, this film was just downright creepy and so off the wall it has to be a horror film.
9: The Shining: What many consider the be Kubrick’s masterpiece. Add the demented acting of Jack Nicholson, and the intensely frightening Overlook Hotel (Timberland Lodge) and you certainly have one the scariest films of all time. The film lost major credit, however, due to writer Stephen King’s dislike toward the direction Kubrick took the film and helped produce the made for television, halfassed remake in 1997.
8: Night Of The Living Dead: This is the film that started it all. In 1968, George A. Romero created what is to be known as the greatest zombie movie of all time. Although it wasn’t the first zombie movie ever it is considered the first in the genre known as “Zombie Apocalypse” films. Black and white doesn’t mean tame and just because you can’t see what color the brain is, its’ still a brain and they are eating it.
7: Evil Dead: In 1981, this movie was turned down by every distributor in the U.S.. Its’ directed by Spiderman director Sam Raimi and starring B-movie god Bruce Campbell as Ash. Raimi invented almost everything he used in the film to create a camera style all of his own and pioneer his own style to the horror genre. Raved on by critics and fans alike, The Evil Dead and the two sequels that followed where still bogged down away from the mainstream due to the intense and gruesome nature of some of the scenes. Come on, like a girl being molested by a tree isn’t clever. Oh, and as we speak Raimi and Campbell are starting production on the fourth.
6:Serpent And The Rainbow: For me this is Cravens’ best film. A man ventures to Haiti to find clues leading to rumors that there is a drug that can paralyze a victim while leaving them concious ,creating the origin of the zombie. Vivid themes of voodoo, and the scariest scene of Bill Pullman from Spaceballs being buried alive all while screaming “I’m not dead!”. This movie will give you nightmares for weeks.
5: Halloween: Hands down the greatest slasher film ever. John Carpenter’s low-budget sensation featured little blood and guts compared to most movies of the genre. However, what it lacked in gross it made up for with downright terror. A haunting self written score played entirely on a keyboard along with the haunting presence of boogeyman Micheal Myers made it chilling. Who would of thought a William Shatner mask with widened eye holes and some white spray paint could be that damn scary?
4: Nosferatu: Silent, black and white, and a lead actor that really took his role seriously make this the top vampire flick of all time. A German film released in 1922, actor Max Shrek had people believing that he was an actual vampire with his role of Count Orlok. The crew was even scared to go around him.
3: The Exorcist: Definitely the most visually terrifying movie of all time. Based on the novel by Willam Peter Blatty and also based on the real life incident involving a boy in 1949. Released in 1979 to some major hype surrounding “spooky events” on the set, as well as people running from theaters within fifteen minutes of viewing it. The Exorcist quickly became the most horrifying film ever. There were even accounts of people passing out in the theaters, an increase in crucifix sales, and even resulted in someone having a heart attack(supposedly). It was re-released in 2000, and featured the scenes such as the infamous crab walk scene, and the addition of all the subliminal visuals that were removed from the original opening.
2: Pet Semetary: I saw this one when I was about 12 years old. This movie scared the absolute shit out of me.Its’ based on the Stephen King novel of the same name which is equally just a frightening. It deals with folk-lore and the moral struggles involving the reanimation of loved ones. Every scene in this movie makes your stomach turn especially any involving the characters Zelda or Victor Pascow, not to mention the scalpel wielding corpse of a giggling toddler.
1: The Exorcism Of Emily Rose: I know, this isn’t the most visually horrifying movie you have ever seen. In fact the majority of it takes place in a courtroom. Having no real religious views or denomination I couldn’t figure out why almost every scene in this film gave me chills from my neck to my feet. It is just downright frightening to watch and what makes it even worse is the fact that it is based(however loosely) on the real life events of a young German girl named Anneliese Michel. She suffered from strange “psychological” happenings from the time she was 16, later in her life she ended up having a gruesome series of exorcisms that eventually led to her death at 23 years old. Doing some research with some students in Catholic seminary school, I discovered that the church holds the rites of exorcism very seriously (as in, more seriously than you might expect) and that Anneliese is even being considered for sainthood by the church. So stick it! The movie is the scariest film I have ever watched and I am holding to it.
_____________________
Front page thumb: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mikalsl/ / CC BY 2.0
Throughout everyday activity, be it talking to people or watching TV, I’ve noticed our culture seems to think girls are wusses, that they can not handle gross things like boy farts or poo. This is certainly not the case, and here’s why:
1. Every month, for five to seven days, we deal with big, bloody clumps of sloughed uterine tissue drying to our private parts. If we’re tampon users, we have to fold up the heavy, blood-soaked plugs in tissues, the splatter adorning toilet seats like so much gore. If we’re maxi-pad wearers, well, imagine wearing a diaper full of blood, the stink and crinkle of it emanating with every step, the hot fluid caking to our pubic hair and smearing the insides of our thighs.
Mmm…periody…
2. We like you and all of the stuff that comes out of you. It goes into our mouths, our genitals, and maybe even our butts. Of course, what goes in must come out: day old, congealing semen oozing out to harden in our panties. Can you smell it? Can you?
4. As the traditional care-takers of the household, we clean all of the nastiness you make: be it from scrubbing the shit-smeared toilet bowl, to sponging the loogies you leave in the sink. Touch a pair of period soaked panties marinating in bath of cold water. I dare you!
5. Boys, I’ve come to notice, are squeemish about the silliest of things: from poop dangling from a dog’s anus, to crusty dishes. Women, it seems, are just more adept at handling the dirty things in life. We clean diapers and piles of vomit. We pick the smeared boogers from out of the carpet fibers and off the walls near the bed. We smell your breath in the morning when we leave for work and kiss you anyway!
