I Do Not Heart I-74 [Metered On-Ramp Lights Are Crazy Stupid]

Earlier this year, I wrote a post that praised the relative ease with which I was able to commute to and from my “heart of the Westside” in Cheviot, to my many remotely located jobs throughout the Cincinnati area.

I must now recant.

I do not “heart” I-74 anymore. In fact, I’m filing for divorce, because I-74 has cheated on me.

This highway, known as a corridor through which Westsiders who choose to leave their blue-collar haven can make it to alternate sides of the city, has become a nightmare of on-ramp woes thanks to another bungled attempt by the city to ease traffic congestion: the metered on-ramp lights. These lights rely on highway sensors to regulate the flow of traffic, the on-ramp lights turning from green to red in one or two seconds, so that only one car can get through at a time.

Although the city traffic officials cite a “learning curve” when it comes to getting the timing down to actually get into moving traffic, this does not explain how my commute time doubled this morning from forty minutes, to eighty. I was late for work because traffic had backed up for MILES leading up to the on-ramp.

Yes, I leave for work during rush hour, and yes, I drive like a maniac. But the Cincinnati driver’s inability to merge is not being helped by these lights. Merging, by definition, is intergrating with the flow of traffice without getting in the other drivers’ ways. By making on-ramp mergers come to a complete stop before they attempt to get into the regular flow, the lights not only slow the mergers, but also those who are driving in the right of way.

Slower traffic is not, as some would argue, safer traffic. Anyone with an Internet connection can google what exactly causes automobile-related fatalities, and it’s not speeders: the number one cause for automobile-related accidents is the incongruity of speed between vehicles, meaning, some vehicles going fast, and some going slow. That’s what you get, Cincinnati, with metered on-ramps: fast moving vehicles trying to avoid slow-moving ones. It’s not pretty. I’m talking swerving, random hard breaking, and of course, hand gestures.

Those who merge into oncoming traffice do not have the right of way. Unfortunately, people in this city seem to believe that (as I get dirty looks every time I don’t move out of the right lane for some hapless talking-on-her-cellphone-in-her-giant-SUV driver who is not going the same speed as on-coming traffic) idea to be true.

Cincinnatians are never going to learn to merge if they are giving lights telling them when to go and when not to. I mean, c’mon, most of the idiots out there don’t even know that the left lane is for more swift moving traffic and the right is for slower-moving (hence why on-ramps are on the right…).

Learning curve or not, I will be avoiding I-74 like the plague. Thanks, Cincinnati, for making my commute longer, more circuituitous, and certainly more of a hassle.

Light rail, anyone?

The Reds Front Office is Stupid.

Over the last few days to a week or so, I’ve seen a lot of speculation from various sources regarding the Reds next year.  Specifically, that they’re going to dump a bunch of payroll (most likely in the form of Arroyo and Brandon Phillips) so that they can meet an as-yet-undetermined budget for next year.  Usually, when there’s this kind of speculation, a baseball team’s front office goes a long way to downplay the chatter.

That downplaying you’d expect to see isn’t quite so reassuring this year, and it’s kinda hard to put a finger on just why that is.  Maybe they’re just being realists, though that’s not the likely answer–because really, what GM answers questions realistically at this point in the offseason?  It’s more likely that the Reds’ front office is getting pressure from the media, beat writers and so on who are looking for hot stove angles, I guess.  You know, since they were pretty horrific at the plate this year and the money they spent last offseason turned out to be historically stupid (I’m looking at you, Willy Taveras).

But all this talk about a winter fire sale? Tough for a Reds fan to take.  A semi-random sampling of headlines from the last couple weeks:

“Reds aren’t in a fire sale mode–yet at least” (Enquirer)

Discussion: Reds Looking to Deal? (mlbtraderumors.com)

Jocketty Downplays Payroll Concerns (mlbtraderumors.com)

Jocketty: ‘we’re not out shopping players’ (CNati.com)

Look, I get the whole notion that a team’s GM is always going to have his ear to the ground when it comes to deals, and that he’s got to be uber budget-conscious at the same time (especially with a Reds team that’s having trouble putting butts in seats).  Doesn’t this year feel a little bit different, though?  It seems like, no matter how much they lose, the offseason recharges me a little bit every year.  The front office goes a long way towards achieving that, generally through the media’s beat writers and/or other journalism.  This year, though, I’m getting nothing but an impending sense of doom.

I fear that the headlines are maybe putting rose-colored glasses on the whole matter–can our Reds hope for anything higher than fourth place in the NL Central? Again?  I’ll tell you what: the goggles do nothing.

When It Comes to Bengals Coverage, CNati is Givin’ The Enquirer a Run for its Money.

Not sure if yous guys are paying close attention to the sports coverage game here in Cincinnati, but a few months back, a new player showed up: CNati.  It’s hard to get a read on their baseball coverage (the website started right @ the end of the season), but their football  stories are matching up with The Enquirer’s blow-for-blow.

A while back, Cincinnati lost The Post, which was hands down my favorite newspaper.  Along with that, the future of its younger, hipper beat writers, C. Trent Rosecrans, bounced around for a little while, most notably at 1530 Homer.  When Clear Channel laid him off back in April, I was a bit scared that Cincinnati eventually would be missing out on him altogether.  And then he started CNati, which pleases me to no end.

For a few reasons.

First, I should admit that I’m sort of ridiculous when it comes to reading, viewing, and listening to things.  What I mean by that specifically is that if I read a story that interests me, I’ll go back and look up as many different stories as I can about that particular thing.  I don’t know if it’s that I want to get a different angle, or that I just want to experience that first instance of interest all over again.  But having CNati around lets me try to approximate that with one more website than I otherwise would have.

But that might be trivializing the matter somewhat.

CNati is giving The Enquirer a run for its money because, you guessed it, the writing’s good, the angles are good, and they know what they’re doing.  It doesn’t hurt that Cincinnati might be one of the first cities in the country to have a website like this: one that only covers its city’s sports, from the professional level on down through high school (they seem to be working on that right now), and does just that with real journalistic experience.  You know, like a newspaper or something.

I suppose that, if you’re looking for an end point or whatever, if you fancy yourself the type who’s on top of shit in any way, you should be reading CNati–the chances are pretty good that they’re going to get you that extra bit of information that you didn’t know you wanted.  From time to time, you’re going to get the information faster than the other media sources around town, too.  To top it off, you’re going to get it from a guy who’s way hipper than you (and me).  Take that how you wish.

Comic: If Vengeance Be My Destiny #26

“If Vengeance Be My Destiny” is The Cincinnati Man’s Sunday comic.  You can catch up here, and read the prologue and first chapter here and here.

The Saturday Rock Box: Fu Manchu

If you haven’t noticed, I’m kinda into the stoner metal. Fu Manchu is probably the standard bearer of the genre. If you don’t know them, you definitely should. Enjoy.

The Saturday Dump Festival

Each week, TCM digs up everything that was awesome on the Internet through the week.  You can find past Dump Festivals right here, buddy.

-If you’re into pool (I used to be, and then I got married and kind of lost touch), you’ll love this pool table.

-If you use Roombas for anything other than creating a real-life Pac-Man, you’re lazy.

-Juggalo Furries–two great tastes that taste great together.  Seriously–this is a mashup of two groups I don’t really understand.

-Two beautiful words: BACON LAMP. It is exactly what you hope it’ll be.

-Chewbacca and Han Solo on bicycles.  Nice!

-This is one of the most clearly fake things I’ve ever seen, but it’s freaking sweet anyhow.

-Because you know you need it, here’s an illustrated guide to menstruation.  You’re welcome.

-Here’s a clip from Graham Chapman’s funeral.  If you don’t know who Graham Chapman is, you need to go to school, son.

-These kids sould get paid for being so awesome @ wheelbarrow racing.

-My Morning Jacket’s going to be on American Dad.  I fucking hate American Dad.

-This crescent wrench isn’t much more than coffee table material, but that doesn’t un-awesome it.

-I loved Clash of the Titans as a Kid, and the remake looks to be pretty effin’ good.

-Dude, I want NEED a rare earth magnet implanted into my finger.

-This redesign of the US Interstate map looks great, and makes the whole thing really easy to understand visually.

-Super Mario Bros. beat the shit out of Bowser a cab driver.

-Finally, the most amazing thing on the Internet this week was this animation of the Dock Ellis no-hitter story.  It showed up pretty much everywhere, and with good reason–it’s a great fucking story.