O Little Town of Antifreeze

When the cashier tells you “Happy Holidays,” they aren’t being sincere.  They don’t care if your holidays are happy, jolly, placid, mediocre, crestfallen, or the shittiest on record.

For that reason, it’s hard to take people seriously when they get bent out of shape about cashiers who don’t say “Merry Christmas” instead.  Religious considerations aside,  there is no way on this planet that the poor soul making $8 an hour to stand on their feet all day to ring up your ham or your copy of “Air Bud 4: From the Flea Throw Line” will lose sleep unless your Christmas is grade-A-certified merry.  The words are as hollow and meaningless as “Going Rogue.”  So get over it.

But at least one place is keeping the “Christ” in “Christmas.”

This will be a sign to you: You shall find a babe in a manger, wrapped in a beaded seat cushion and surrounded by pine tree-shaped air fresheners.

While picking up some parts for my sweet-ass whip, I found this  nativity scene.  At an AutoZone in Cheviot.

Please forgive the picture quality.  I had to use my cell phone, and I was so moved by the pairing of the birth of Jesus with a wide selection of auto parts at affordable prices that I couldn’t waste another moment on photography.

Looking at the nativity scene as a work of art raises a number of profound theological questions.  Did Mary and Joseph find no room at the inn, or is the manger symbolic of a garage with Baby Jesus a metaphorical Camaro?  Maybe the shepherds watching over their flocks simply needed a radiator flush. And perhaps more liberal translations of the Bible will reveal that the three wise men bore gifts of gold, wiper blades, and myrrh.  I know what you’re thinking, but take a little bit of that myrrh and rub it into your vinyl seats and tell me you aren’t thrilled with the results.

And for the record, the clerk didn’t say “Merry Christmas.”  She didn’t need to.  She could tell that I now had a little holy spirit in my gas tank to prevent harmful deposits and prolong my engine’s life.
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Front pg. thumb: http://www.flickr.com/photos/alicepopkorn/ / CC BY 2.0

9 Things Your Mother Wants for Christmas

This may seem daunting now that a macaroni picture with glue globs won’t cut it anymore, but really, it’s not. There are two routes you can go for your dear mum during the holidays: semi-costly and uber-cheap.

First, the semi costly:

1. Gift certificate for a facial (no, not that kind (Link NSFW, unless you’re an adult film reviewer)) or manicure at a day spa.

Very easy to find via internet, and not that expensive in the grand scheme of things, considering she put up with shittiness for the last 30 years: $50-$100

2. Tickets to go see A Christmas Carol at the Playhouse.

Not only is this fun, but if you go with her (or make your dad–if they’re still together or like each other, that is) then you’re spending quality time, and that’s always good in Momland.

Surprisingly affordable: $20-$67

3. Take her out to a fancy dinner.

Yeah, this might cost ya, but a date with your mom is really scoring points. Most moms rarely get out, and taking them out to a fancy place is just another way of saying, “Thanks Mom, you’re totally worth this $15 appetizer.”

Fancy-schmancy Dinner: $50-$200

4. Upgrade her cable/internet for a year.

Yeah, she may not really know how to use the computer, or maybe she only watches Lifetime original movies, but hey, you can’t say you didn’t try…

Estimated cost: $50-$200

Now, for the cheap-o’s

1. Take a family portrait and frame it.

Easily and cheaply done with a digital camera, your brothers/sisters/dogs, and a trip to Walgreens.

Very affordable: approximately $4 (or at least, that’s what I spent last year).

2. A promise to spend time with her.

Just like the sex objects in your lives, your mom wants to know that you value her and the time you spend together. So just do it, go over every Sunday evening and have dinner with her, or even better, go to church with her. Yowza, that’s a good idea.

3. Help her with the holiday chaos.

Although you’ve got other people demanding your time, make sure you spend some of it with your moms. Help her vacuum the house before people come over, or do the laundry and help with the holiday cooking. Go to the grocery store for her, or when the holidays are over, help her take down the tree and pack up everything (cause if you don’t, it’ll just stay there–like at my mom’s house, where the fake tree has stood proudly and fully ornamented for the past five years).

4. Donate to charity in her name.

This is a great gift for the mom who says she doesn’t want anything, or the mom who tearfully requests that her family gets along as her Xmas gift. It’s easy to donate, and pretty inexpensive. Most of the time they give you a little card that says something along the lines of: “A charitable contribution has been made in your name, etc.” so if you give $10, nobody knows you’re a Scrooge, they just think you’re thoughtful and kind-hearted. Score!

Don’t know where to give? Consider your mom’s church, or perhaps giving a donation for disease research (think American Diabetes Association, or the Susan Komen Breast Cancer Fund). Other good options are hospitals, orphanages, and international charitable organizations where for only pennies a day, you can help a child like this one.

5. Encourage her to live life fully by getting out there and doing things with her.

The best gift you could ever give your moms is the gift of health–but it’s difficult to get started on something like that, so make an agreement to commit to doing active things with her. Do a 5K Walk or take her to the YMCA with you. Not only will this improve her health, but it will also raise your stock (and possibly your percentage in her will) by spending that old quality time.

There’s no reason your moms should miss out yet again this year on a heart-felt, totally awesome gift.

Cincinnati’s Casino = Parking Issues: We’re Just Now Thinking Of This?

It’s a few days old (Thursday, to be exact), but The Enquirer’s Lisa Bernard-Kuhn broke off a really good piece begging a question that’s embarrassingly not been thought of quite yet: what’s going to happen to all that parking?

Some folks might automatically answer “Streetcar! Streetcar!”  That’s not the answer just yet, though.  While the streetcar represents solid economical growth and measurable progress in terms of providing sound transportation within the city, that doesn’t take into account the majority of folks who work Downtown and live outside what would be the streetcar’s service area.  Which means that they’d need parking.  And lots of those people (about 1400 cars worth, according to the story) need the lot at Broadway Commons to make sure they can go to work.

You’d think they would have thought this through already, right?

From the story:

For city officials, the parking question is “definitely early on our list of considerations,” says Patrick Ewing, Cincinnati’s interim director of economic development.

“Parking (at Broadway Commons) has to be replaced somewhere,” he says.

“There are some preliminary conversations under way, but first we’re working the developers to figure out how much parking they plan to put at the site and if any of that will be public,” Ewing said.

So, no, they haven’t thought it through, and they’re apparently leaving the issue of public parking up to the casino developer. Because that’s what you’d expect the casino developer to care about. Public parking.

It’s things like this that make me feel trepidation about voting for casinos.  Planning is important, and urban planning, above and beyond that, is more important.  The inner workings of a city are at stake when you put big things in it; please don’t fuck the whole thing up with the promise of some short-term cash.  I understand that parking isn’t being treated as a huge deal in the grand scheme of the whole casino deal, but the mere fact that it isn’t tells me that those in charge are just seeing dollar signs and aren’t able to get it together beyond that.

Come the eff on.  This could be good.  Are you going to let it, guys?

Comic: If Vengeance Be My Destiny #31

If Vengeance Be My Destiny is TCM’s Sunday comic. You can catch up on the story right here.

The Saturday Rock Box: The Bruisers

Hey, remember Oi punk?  Me neither.  At any rate, The Bruisers probably best represent the genre, so here you go.

The Saturday Dump Festival

Each week, TCM provides a digest of everything that was awesome on the Internet this week. For past festivals, go here, buddy.

–This is kinda old, but here’s a video of someone who’d been secretly living in someone else’s apartment.  CHECK YOUR FUCKING CLOSETS.

–Ever wonder why you, of all people, like George Michaels’ first solo record? Turns out, you might not be such a ‘mo. Explanation here.

–Look, a pig shitting on in a toilet!

–This is basically the greatest sandcastle you will ever see in your life.  Seriously.

–IFC brings you this handy flowchart of manly movies I’ve never seen.  Still, it’a flowchart.

–Here’s the news you were waiting for in 1993: Metallica, Anthrax, Megadeth and Slayer are planning to tour together.  You’re welcome.

–This seven-part, 70 minute explanation of why The Phantom Menace Sucks made my week.  It should make yours, too.