#fail: Cincinnati Bengals Owner Wants His $2

Sorry if you’re ticklish in the buttocks region.  That sensation is actually Cincinnati Bengals owner/quasi general manager/head scout/tight ends coach/pontiff/czar Mike Brown reaching into your back pocket ever so slyly, removing your wallet, and helping himself to more of your money.

Friday, Bengals Nation learned that the price of having only two winning seasons in the past twenty years is right around two bucks.  That’s how much the average ticket price at Paul Brown Stadium is going up starting next season.  The cheapest seats in the house will be $65–only $1 higher than 2009.  For the bourgeoisie who can afford better, you’ll pay an extra $3 for the pleasure of seeing a game without being so high up that you have to worry about the International Space Station dinging you in the head.

Still, only a buck or so more.  That’s not too bad, is it?

Sucker!

The Bengals are proud to remind us that their ticket prices are still below league average.  What a bargain!  But in reality, it’s hard not to be under average when Jerry Jones is wringing the necks of Cowboys fans for an average of $160 per ticket.  And our “aww shucks” small-market Bengals are actually more expensive than some other teams you may have heard about, including last season’s Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers, last season’s NFC champion Arizona Cardinals, and some other team doing really well this year called the New Orleans Saints.  In fact, if you could stand to live with yourself as a Browns fan, you’d be paying an average ticket price of $55, or about $15 less than the average Bengals ticket.  That’s almost enough to make a solid down payment on some nachos.

And don’t forget that even if you don’t buy a ticket, Mike Brown is making you his customer.  Under the Bengals lease, the team stopped paying rent in 2009.  Also, the Bengals only pay for stadium maintenance on game days.  We cover it the other 357 days.  If other teams put something fancy in their stadium, the Bengals deal says they can follow suit and bill us for it–like the plastic grass installed a few years ago.  Meanwhile, the half cent sales tax approved more than a decade ago hasn’t brought in nearly enough money to pay for the stadium, and now Hamilton County is pretty well screwed.

Still, it could be worse.  I’d rather pay more than get stuck being a Browns fan.  The Bengals might be 120-199-1 in the last 20 years, but dammit, they are OUR 120-199-1.  It’s a special bond that requires Kroger and other big advertisers to step in and buy the rest of the tickets to prevent a blackout, even in the middle of a rare march to the playoffs.

Wait…did someone say “playoffs?”

TCM Weekly Poll: What Do You Think of the Bengals’ New Ticket Prices?

For the sake of wanting to hear your voice, we’re going to start posting weekly polls.  Here’s the first.  You can also check ‘em at our front page.

 Loading ...

#fail: As If We Needed Another Reason to Hate the French

There’s a reason the French have a reputation for being priggish assholes.

That’s because for the most part, they are, in fact, priggish assholes.  Except Laetitia Casta.  She’s still hot.

We’re not making this claim without proof.  Enter French governmental dickweed Alain Joyandet.  The Associated Press titles him as the “French Cooperation Minister.”  By the way, I want that job if it ever pops up in the states.

Last Monday, Joyandet complained about the U.S. role in helping Haiti.  He wants a U.N. investigation.  And the best part, he says “this is about helping Haiti, not about occupying Haiti.”

Uggh.  As if poisoning the world with mimes wasn’t bad enough.

Comic: If Vengeance Be My Destiny #36

If Vengeance Be My Destiny is TCM’s Sunday comic. To catch up on the story to this point, click away.

click for larger image

The Saturday Rock Box: Faith No More

I’ve been on an early-90′s-and-music-that-influenced-early-90′s-bands kick lately.  Every 18 months or so, I remember Faith No More and how awesome they were/are.  Welcome to that cycle coming around for me again.  If you missed the boat on them, you’re clearly way younger than me.  Time to acclimate yourself, champo.

The Saturday Dump Festival

TSDF is TCM’s weekly linkdump of everything that was awesome on the Internet over the previous week.  Think of it as an index of all the crap you should have seen but weren’t cool enough to find.  Or, if you prefer, everything you missed while you were actually working during the week.  Whatevs.

–If you’ve followed past festivals, you’re aware of (a) the sheer bulk of Super Mario variations on the web, and (b) my love for all of them.  This one is a take on Mario vs. Global Trends.

–Photoshop contests are generally pretty tired, but this one covers the whole Conan v. Leno thing and was actually pretty awesome.

–2081 is a short film version of Vonnegut’s “Harrison Bergeron.”  If you don’t know this story, you need to.

–Another thing you need to pay attention to is The Beardly.  It’s one of my fave blogs about manliness.

–More Mario Bros: this time, it’s SMB vs. Jersey Shore.

–Looking for a monumental way to waste time?  How about Two Youtube Videos and a Motherfucking Crossfader Dot Com?

–Pee Wee Herman explains the whole Conan vs. NBC thing.