The Dangerous Secrets of Chipotle

So you’re a guy like me.  You’re not much of a cook, so you tend to dine out.  Let someone else do the work, and if they want to spit in your food, God love ‘em.

But every so often, like every day, you realize you’re in the mood for something different.  You could check out a local place for the first time instead of hitting the same big chains, but that would require too much trust and effort.  And who knows, you might accidentally end up at a Mexican restaurant overlooking a bowling alley.  That’s no reward for your exploration efforts.

Turns out a lot of your favorite haunts have a few secrets. And I’m not talking about the secret of how much jizz is in the special sauce.

The next time you waddle into Chipotle, try the quesadilla.  It’s one of the many things you can order at Chipotle that isn’t on the menu, and most likely never will be.  It’s pretty basic.  They’ll use a giant tortilla wrap, fill it with cheese, heat it up, then throw in the meat of your choice.  Ask for a cup of salsa, and proceed to stuffing your face.  By the way, a quesadilla will run you about $4, as opposed to about $6 for anything else.  You can put those two dollars you saved toward finally taking care of that rash.

Heads up before you try this:  you have to ask nicely.  And never try this during lunch or dinner rush.  It takes a lot longer to make a quesadilla than the usual colon-burrowing burrito, and you don’t want to be that guy holding up the entire line.

You can also try asking for nachos and double-decker tacos.  Chipotle’s policy is that if they have the ingredients to make it, they have to.  Taco Bell supposedly has the same policy, but they’ve already invented so many twists on their horse meat offerings that it’s hard to imagine coming up with something that isn’t already on the menu.

Got any other secrets or tips we should check out?  Share ‘em with the world in the comments section, sucka!

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Front page thumb:http://www.flickr.com/photos/poolie/ / CC BY 2.0

#fail: “Menu” is Not Spanish for “Guide for Dumbasses”

I should have taken it as a warning sign when I realized the Mexican restaurant I randomly chose also happened to overlook a bowling alley, and that its floor plan was awfully similar to a strip club’s.

By then, it was too late.  I’m not the kind of guy who will get up and walk out on a car salesman.  I’m certainly not going to do it to a waitress.  I’ve made my poor choice.  Now I have to live with it.

And so I open the menu…

I’m sorry about the picture quality.  I didn’t anticipate going out to eat would require photography, and I had to use my crappy cell phone camera.  My cell phone, by the way, is a #fail in and of itself.  Just ask Dale.

But even a blurry picture can’t obscure the dumbassery in the menu.  Do you want to tell me the difference between a tamale and a burrito?  Ok, that’s helpful.

But do you really think there’s a need to explain nachos, much less TELL ME HOW TO PRONOUNCE THEM?

“Miss, may I please get some more water, and perhaps an order of these so-called Nay-choose?”

“That’s nah-chohs, sir.”

“Nehhhhhhhh-chohs?”

“Nah-chohs.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t make out the pronunciation from your thick accent.  Nutch-cows?”

“Nah-chohs.”

“Forget it.  I’ll just have the freedom fries.  Learn the language and stop taking all of our jobs.”

Comic: If Vengeance Be My Destiny #35

If Vengeance Be My Destiny is TCM’s Sunday comic.  You can catch up on the story to this point right here.

click for larger image

The Saturday Rock Box: Diamond Head

So, Metallica wasn’t kidding.  These NWOBHM bands are awesome.  Diamond Head’s another one.

The Saturday Dump Festival

TSDF is TCM’s weekly linkdump of everything that was awesome on the Internet this week.

–Fuck Yeah Sharks.

–Photographs of William S. Burroughs’s stuff.  No, not that stuff, you sickass.

–Hamilton Carver, Zombie P.I. looks like it’s going to be a fun webseries.  Think old Private Eye novels vs. Night of the Living Dead.

–Because you know you wanted to see sexy Jabba the Hutt: Star Wars burlesque.

–DEATH METAL ROOSTER!

–DEATH METAL ROOSTER VS HEADBANGING BIRDY!

–Jan Gabriel died on SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY.

–Modern Cannibals. Pretty crazy shit.

–First Person Tetris made the rounds this week.  Made me seasick, but you might like it.

–This is the most disgusting thing I’ve seen in a  year.  Seriously.

–aaaaand this is the best craigslist posting I’ve seen in a year.  No, it’s not the Conan/Tonight Show listing.  This is so much better.

New ‘Girls Gone Wild’ Series: ‘Girls Gone to Struggling Ohio Communities’

Just saw this story at the Cincinnati Enquirer’s site and nearly crapped myself. In summary, Reflections Night Club in Middletown is apparently hosting a Girls Gone Wild party.  Apparently, they couldn’t secure a date in Miami Beach. How the mighty have fallen.

According to the club’s Myspace page (in other news, people still use Myspace),”Girls Gone Wild will be at Reflections on Monday, January 18th.  The 60 foot party bus will arrive early during the day.  The party is from 8pm-2am with filming crew and some hot sexy girls.  There will be a bikini and wet-t contest giving away prizes.”

These are their words and not mine.  That’s some pretty horrific writing, but it gets the point across (sort of).

When you think of Girls Gone Wild, what do you think of besides bad business plans that result in a virtual sieve being placed in your bank account that funnels your money into Joe Francis’s pockets?  Right after I’ve thought of titties, I think of warm weather.  It seems incongruous that there’s going to be tits flopping around (yes, flopping.  Go to Reflections’ Myspace page and you’ll see what I’m talking about) in a place as far north as Middletown at this time of the year. Seems a bit cold to me.  If you’re into super-hard nipples, though, I guess you’re in luck.

At the same time, a wet t-shirt contest seems to me to be a bit much.  Pneumonia, anyone?

As for official positions, I don’t know that I have a ton to say on the matter.  I do think that Girls Gone Wild seems to be pretty degrading to women and that the company that sells softcore public flashing DVDs is probably not the best in terms of business (and perhaps personal) ethics.  The most alarming thing to me (and it’s not particularly alarming) is that they’ve apparently run out of places to go.  Middletown?  It’s not like there’s nothing there–but I don’t know that it’s known for its party atmosphere, if you catch my drift.

So, if you’re looking for videos of downtrodden women sadly lifting their shirts, there should be a DVD available sometime in the next few months.  If I had to guess, the title’s probably going to be Girls Gone Wild: Live from the Land of William H. Gross.

Got other potential titles?  Put ‘em in the comments.