On A.A. Gill’s Response to Cincinnati [Vitriol Party]

I’ve read A.A. Gill’s response to Cincinnati no fewer than ten times now, struggling for the proper way to respond to it.  In that time, I’ve thought about the various responses many bloggers have entered into the conversation, and placed those against the original article–which I’m not linking to because fuck Vanity Fair.  Seriously.

After thinking about it, I’m of the opinion that there were only two original blog responses that made any sense whatsoever–and they were the first two.  Brad King’s and ours.  I’ll get to why later.  The rest of the blog responses, which I’m not going to link to either, come across as being oversensitive and defensive to a level that’s almost embarrassing to me.  A quick summary of these blog posts:

• Hey! You can’t say that about my city!
• Cincinnati has stuff.  Here’s a list.

Why don’t you just film yourself crying about it? Boo fucking hoo.  Some asshole said something.  It’s as if there are stolen cookies involved.

Here’s why Brad King got it right: he told a story about it.  He pointed to a larger issue, and pretty much just said that articles like that do nothing more than denigrate a culture, and that he hates that shit.  Rightfully so.  He didn’t step in to defend the city or cry about it with a list of “Look at the culture we have” bullshit.

TCM?  Ed Schindler (That Guy Named Ed) said, “Hey, this guy is an idiot.”  Know why?  He’s an idiot.  End of story.

Anyhow, A.A. Gill responded (I know I said I wasn’t going to link to them earlier.  Go touch one) to Cincinnati’s most recent responses (i.e., the ones that got all listy) and I wasn’t quite sure how to take it.  It’s at once funny and arresting, and for a moment I fell into that “Let’s get defensive and PROVE THIS GUY WRONG” thing, but I don’t think he’s really worth the time.  So, let’s make fun of him, shall we?

First of all, this guy looks like T. Herman Zweibel.

We were all surprised it took you so long to react to my piece about the Creation Museum

Except for it didn’t. If I’m correct, TCM was the 2nd blog to “react to your piece,” which out of context makes it sound like you could be an after-dark park flasher. Brad was, for the record, first. Here’s a timeline. These posts happened to drop on 1/26 (Brad’s) and 1/28 (TCM), and ours dropped so late because there was lots of other stuff in queue in front of it.  My point: do some research, asshole.

in which I take a firm but loving look at your hometown.

Right.

You misunderstand the difference between enjoying living somewhere and enjoying visiting it. For example, pigs like living in mud, but you wouldn’t want to sleep over.

It’s this kind of stuff that we should be ignoring.  He’s denigrating people on purpose.  Is it really worth our time to dissect it?  A.A. is a cockbag.  Period.

There were, though, other things that I didn’t mention that I did like about Cincinnati.

Not that that matters.  You were here to write about the Creation Museum.  I can see how taking a trip to the place might taint your view.  Heh.  Taint.

And then there’s the hat shop where I got my comedy headgear. There was a picture of Margaret Thatcher hanging in it. Only in Cincinnati would Margaret Thatcher be a pinup.

Yeah, that’s kind of funny.  Of course, that does nothing to erase his status as a giant fuckwad who thinks less of people who are from the “middle” of the country.  That’s what’s really at issue here.

There is something that’s gotten lost in all this noise that we’re not talking about, and it’s a bigger deal because it’s literally in our back yard.  Or South yard.  Whatever you want to call it.  Yeah, I’m talking about the Creation Museum.  I’m not going to get into the beliefs of Ken Ham and all that shit, but everything about the place is reprehensible.  Period.  It’s clear that to at least one person (A.A. Gill), and likely thousands more (if you count the “Museum’s” ticket sales), the Creation Museum is a representative of Cincinnati.  If someone’s basing his entire opinion of a city/region/area/wtf ever on the Creation Museum, he’s doing it wrong.  But that’s no reason to get all defensive.

The right thing to do here?  Call him an asshole and be done with it.

So here goes: A.A. Gill is a giant, festering asshole.  Fuck that guy.

Can we move on now?

Ohno You Didn’t: Is Apolo Ohno All That?

The Olympics are an overload of drama and sensory stimulation.  Between staring at the hotness embodied by some of the world’s best female athletes and biting off my fingernails watching cross-country skiing of all things, there isn’t much room for thinking.  Thank God.

Making skating manly.

Do not mess with her.

As of this writing, Apolo Ohno is tied with Bonnie Blair as the most decorated American winter Olympian.  You’ve probably heard.  NBC mentions it at :20 and :40 past every hour, with bonus mentions for each time Bob Costas man-flirts with Chris Collinsworth.

But as they say, a tie is like kissing your sister.  So it is our duty, nay our destiny, to pointlessly debate who is the better winter Olympian:  Ohno or Blair.

Ohno has six medals, but only two are gold to go with two silver and two bronze.  Blair won five golds with one bronze.  Even if Ohno wins another medal and breaks the tie, he’ll never touch that gold standard.  Advantage: Blair.

Blair had big 80′s hair and wore wrap-around shades, which were both cool at the time.  Ohno wears a big headband and a soul patch, which never has been nor ever will be cool.  Advantage: Blair.

Blair did a pretty cheesy commercial for the McDonald’s Bacon Double Cheeseburger Deluxe.  Ohno did a funny spot for Vick’s and even has his picture on the side of a friggin’ airliner.  You have to pay your bills, and that just kicks ass to be on an airplane.  Advantage: Ohno.

Oh, boy.  Apolo Ohno won Dancing With the Stars, the official reality show of baby boomer moms.  He says people recognize him as “that dancing guy” and not as one of the world’s most elite athletes.  On the other hand, how many people would recognize Bonnie Blair for anything if they walked past her even in her heyday?  Draw.

Blair set two world records in her career.  Ohno hasn’t set any.  But he did manage to piss off an entire country in 2002 when a South Korean leading a race was disqualified for cutting in front of Ohno, giving Ohno the gold.  South Koreans sent him death threats.  And, proving they know how to hold a grudge, South Korea mocked the US team in the 2002 World Cup with an absurd goal celebration.  Charming.  God bless the USA.  Advantage: Ohno.

Apolo Anton Ohno.  It’s a cool name and all, but does he need to use the middle name?  Apolo is strong enough to stand on its own.  Going by all three names seems pretentious.  Bonnie Blair just went by Bonnie Blair.  I’ve always been a sucker for alliteration.  Advantage: Blair.

Ohno has had three Olympics to win his medals.  Blair had four. The IOC decided to alternate the winter and summer games every two years starting in the 90′s.  The winter games were due up first, so Blair got to compete in 1992 and then again only two years later before she would turn the ungodly and washed-up age of 30.  Advantage: Ohno.

Final judgment:  it would be an easy cop out to say both American speed skaters are some of the best athletes this country has ever seen and call it a draw.  Comparing the two is probably unfair in the first place.  But this is a website that says it’s “not really above name calling.”  So we can’t be expected to be fair.  While Blair had an extra Olympics to add to her medal count, I just can’t get over the level of sheer dominance Blair showed with those five golds.  Let’s not forget that one of Ohno’s golds came with all of that controversy, and he only won his sixth medal because two Koreans in front of him crashed on their way to what would have been a Korean podium sweep in the 1500 meter race in Vancouver.  For the win: Bonnie Blair.

Did someone say...Blair?

Things That Are Manly: Doing Your Own Taxes

If you’re any kind of a decent person, you’re probably filed your tax return a time or two.  If you haven’t, you probably owe me a thank you note.  All that aside, it’s definitely a good idea to know what you’re up against when it comes to filing on your own–and there are advantages and disadvantages to this.  Whether you file on your own or not (and if you don’t, you need to grow a pair), you should have an understanding of the forms, the terminologies, an the howzits of filing a tax return.

The first thing to do would be to make sure you know where all your tax forms are–and this goes beyond your W-2.  Do you have a mortgage?  Buy a new car this year?  Pay a lot of medical bills?  Student loans?  There’s a lot of shit you might be able to write off in order to claim a bit more from the ol’ government.  There’s a handy little booklet with the exciting title “Instructions for Form 1040, US Individual Income Tax Return” that makes things a good bit easier than you might expect, if you’re willing to put in the time to sit down and read it and do a little simple math.

This, of course, doesn’t cut to the manliness of the matter.  Doing your own taxes does a few things for you.  First of all, it helps you to better understand the kind of financial shape you’re in, which can either be awesome or terrible, depending upon how much stupid crap you spent your money on this year.  But understanding money, no matter where you stand, is a deeply important thing that you, as an adult, should be able to handle.  Second, doing your own taxes exhibits self-reliance.  Need help with the taxes?  Ask your lady to give you a hand.  Ask your parents to help out.  Anything for a little additional bonding time.

Not that I’m suggesting doing taxes is anything like watching Swiss Family Robinson together, but hey, people teach each other things, and what better time to get your angry father to teach you a little lesson about the eventuality of death?

Doing your own taxes is also manly because, if you don’t understand what you’re doing, it’s sort of like the whole “Man lost who won’t stop for directions” stereotype.  It’s hardly real, I know, but once you find your way to the end of the 1040 and everything seems to check out, there’s a sense of accomplishment to the whole thing.

Finally, doing your taxes is manly because, well, it’s something you’ve done yourself, probably for the reason that you want to save a few bucks and/or don’t know which tax service actually does a good job.  Which is really a good anxiety to have; some of them can get you a little extra money here and there, and some just don’t give a shit and you end up missing out on a couple thousand dollars because they won’t ask you the right questions.  In the end, it can be something of a wash.  So why not save the fifty bucks or whatever, put in a little time, and get to know your wallet better?

#FTW! Bacon Night at the Bar [Things We Need in Cincinnati]

We’ve covered a few #fails in Cincinnati over the last month, and they’ve been a runaway sensation.  I’m sure you’ve heard the buzz on the streets.  Now it’s time to cover a #win.  A big #win.  A #ftw, if you will.

Some bars serve you free baskets of popcorn.

Others, a basket of peanuts.

But The Cincinnati Man has learned of a place where they will bring you baskets of bacon.

Bacon Night

The evidence speaks for itself in these pictures.  Basket after basket of crispy, greasy, artery constipating bacon, yours for the taking.  A big “thank you” to Rob Cornelius, a college buddy who obviously travels every nook and cranny of the Midwest, for the tip and the pictures.

The place is called “Home Slice Pizza,” on Saint Clair Street in my beautiful hometown of

This is Also Bacon

Toledo.  Don’t let the name fool you:  it’s every bit as much of a bar as it is a pizza place.  It’s not exactly local, but some things are worth the drive.  Bacon is one of those things.  Tony Paco’s is another.

I gave “Home Slice” a ring to find out more.  I could actually smell the bacon coming through the phone as I learned they do “bacon night” every other Wednesday.  Plan your trip accordingly.

To make the most of your time in Toledo, you may also be interested in another #ftw:  a strip club hosting “Lap Dances for Haiti.”

WLWT is Way, Way Behind on This One. [But at Least They Said Something]

Most of the time, Cincinnati television manages to stay on top of everything that’s going on.  Most of the time.  Channel 5 just covered Cincinnati bloggers’ reactions to the Vanity Fair story last night and pointed to this post at Kate’s Random Musings, which went up yesterday afternoon, as well as this one at my buddy Brad’s blog.

Let me put a couple things in perspective here.  The Vanity Fair article has been available to the public for at least four weeks as of today.  There have been a number of commentaries from folks from Cincinnati and its surrounding areas (like us, for example) and they all pretty much make the same, if not similar, points.  The Cincinnati Blogosphere–can we use that term?–had already had this covered weeks ago.

Of course, in the grand scheme, I guess it’s cool that they said something.  But being weeks off the mark–shouldn’t that be a bit embarrassing?

I guess there are only two real things to take away from this.  First, congratulations on the additional web traffic, Kate and Brad.  Second, it would seem that when news is slow, that’s when television takes to the web to dig up some stories.  We ought to let them know that Michael Jackson died a little while back; it’s probably something they’d like to know.

Terdz.

Really, America? Really?

This may be the most disappointing thing I’ve read this year

If you’re too lazy to read the article, the upsetting part is the line, “One of the challenges NBC faces for the 2010 Winter Olympics is stiff competition from the No. 1 show on TV, Fox’s ‘American Idol.’”

On one hand, you’ve got some of the best athletes from around the globe coming together in rigorous athletic competition, uniting the world for a couple weeks and giving us a welcome distraction from the many international problems we face.

On the other hand, you have this.

How is there even a question? If people made any sense, Fox would have to put American Idol on hiatus for a couple of weeks.

I’ll be the first to admit, I have no idea who the favorite is to win the bobsleigh event this winter. It isn’t just about the sports themselves. It’s about how inwardly focused we have become as a nation. This is the first year Ghana is competing in the Winter Olympics- but who cares, right? That’s not going to the 51^st state of the union anytime soon.

That’s not to say we shouldn’t have patriotic pride- we should be following the Olympics and cheering our athletes on. I know very little about swimming, but towards the end of the race for Phelps’ eighth gold medal back in Beijing 2008, you would have thought I was watching the third overtime of a college football game based on how I was yelling at the TV (I had intended to link you to the video of the thrilling finish, but apparently Olympic representatives troll the internet to make sure these videos get taken down. So much for trying to promote yourself). You probably don’t follow swimming either, but tell me that’s not exciting. It means so much more as an international competition.

We’d rather watch Americans clinging to their long shot hopes of being the next singing superstar and embarrassing themselves on TV. I know we’re all excited that Ellen DeGeneres is going to be judging now, but does that really seem as important?

America, please don’t disappoint me these next two weeks. Try participating in the global community a little bit for a change- it’s even in your general time zone this year.